WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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