Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
