She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
