its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Randomize
