my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
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