We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
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