So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
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