Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize