i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
you would pick up someone in the library
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
