in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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