he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
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