I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I just cut my nipple shaving
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
