why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
