Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Randomize
