If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
