did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
wow bdsm is so cute
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