We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
