I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
