im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
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