Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
