Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Randomize
