I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
