Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Randomize
