You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
