I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
