Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
