Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
