I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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