Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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