need another drink. this is the easiest way
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
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i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
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Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.