so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
