I have demons in me.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
