I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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