you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Randomize
