What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
