My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
