I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
organizing the empties. That sober.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize
