Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
