1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Randomize
