tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
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