thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
