I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
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