Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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