I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
