I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
