I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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