but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
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Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
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you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!