THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
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