Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Randomize
