We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
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