Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
