so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
