i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
