I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
you inspire me to be a worse person
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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