I queefed so loud it echoed.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
