god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
