I'm pants shitting drunk right now
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Randomize
